Cartman Luuvvvs Wendy
by candyluvr
Summary: Cartman's really wants Wendy, but Stan's in the way. Kyle really wants Stan, but Wendy's in the way. The two will have to work together to get the one they want. CartmanxWendy, StanxKyle, StanxWendy. Warning: slash
1. Working for Kyle

Eric Theodore Cartman thought Stan was the luckiest man alive.

Of course, he wouldn't say this to his face, or anyone's face, or even out loud, but...you get the point.

He was dating Wendy Testaburger, and that made Cartman jealous. When Wendy had kissed him about a year ago, in third grade, Cartman made it obvious to Stan; he taunted him, making it really noticeable that Cartman actually _liked_ it.

But that was over. Wendy ran back to Stan, and everytime Cartman saw them together, he wanted to throw up.

He would pretend to hate her. He pretended to have no interest in her. But anyone who really knew him well knew damn well this wasn't true.

This person, which shocked Cartman, was Kyle Broflovski.

About mid-way through fourth grade, on an average day, Kyle came up to Cartman. "Fatass," he greeted lightly, saying it as if it was Cartman's real name.

"What, Jew?" he replied, stopping from staring at Wendy and Stan who were walking away out of the class, holding hands.

He whispered something in his ear, which caused Cartman's eyes to widen and a gasp/choke/whimper noise to come out of his throat.

"W-what do you mean, K-Kahl?" he stuttered, not even making eye contact with him. "You know what I fucking mean." Kyle responded, smirking.

"That's not true, Kahhhl!" Cartman whined, getting out of his desk and grabbing money from his backpack to get ready to go to lunch.

Kyle whispered something else in his ear, which made Cartman shudder. "Okay okay goddamnit! I admit it." he looked like a puppy who's bone buried in the dirt was taken away. "I _like_ Wendy Testaburger." he said the last words softly towards Kyle, so that way no one else could hear it.

"If you tell anyone I swear to God Kyle I will kick your ass so hard you'll be living i-" Kyle smacked his cheek, causing Cartman to scream in pain. "Kaaahlll! Why'd you do that for?!" he whimpered, putting a hand to his cheek softly, 'rubbing' away the pain.

"I'll help you, r-tard." Kyle rolled his eyes. Cartman blinked twice.

"What do you mean, _you'll_ help me? You fucking hate me, you Jew-rat!" Kyle slapped his face again. "Goddamnit Kahl stop that!"

Kyle sighed, sitting down on the tile. Cartman mumbled something about not gonna be able to go to lunch today.

"Because. Wendy's dating _Stan_. And unless you or someone else dates her...well...I won't get to date him." Cartman stared at Kyle for a minute, not catching on until a lightbulb turned on in his head.

"You're a FAG?! Dude! Now you're a gay, Daywalker Jew." Cartman laughed, falling to the ground.

But only 'cuz Kyle kicked him in the spot you don't wanna get kicked in.

"Cartman, I won't help you if you don't stop goddamn laughing! I could easily get Wendy with someone else, lardass, so you better watch it!"

Cartman growled, then said, "Fine, fine. What do I have to do?"

Kyle thought about it for a minute, then said, "After whatever's left of lunch period, meet me in the bathroom, the one closest to Mr. Garrison's class. I'll talk about it there." With that, Kyle turned on his heels, and walked off.

Of course, Cartman laughed once more. "Kyle...faggot....hahaha." Wiping a tear from his eye, he waddled off to lunch.


	2. Fake Dating

Thanks for your reviews! They make me happy :]

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park, I never will...blahblahblah.

Cartman was just about to go into the lunch line when he felt someone tug on his collar. He turned around, to see Wendy. Cartman tried to look disgusted, and he did just a fine job at that.

"What do you waunt, ho?" he asked casually, slowly walking over to the line. "What I _want_," she replied, correcting the way Cartman said 'want', "is to give you this article about obesity." she handed over three sheets of paper printed out from the internet, and then cutted Cartman in the line, but he didn't even notice.

"What do you mean, article about obesity? I'm not fat!" Wendy raised an eyebrow. "I'm seriously, ho!"

The sad part was that Cartman _honestly_, and truely, felt he wasn't the slightest bit obese. "I'm big-boned and full 'a muscle!"

He said the last part so loud, it caused the whole elementary cafeteria to burst in a roar of laughter. "Oh my gawwwd, fuck you!" Cartman grabbed a purple lunch tray, piling many plates of food on.

He took a seat at his regular table, which consisted of Stan, Kyle, Clyde, Token, Craig, Butters, Kenny, Tweek, and Jimmy. However, there was an extra seat; Kenny had died earlier that day.

So Wendy took a seat, right across from Cartman.

Kyle glanced over at him, and Cartman looked like he was gonna burst with either anger, or shock, or any one of those things Cartman has that might be called 'feelings', if you could actually believe he had some of those.

"Cartman...um...you gotta come with me back to homeroom. I forgot something." Stan looked away from Wendy, and said, "I'll come with you, Kyle. And Wendy, too."

Cartman really wanted to puke. And for a change, he was slowly eating his food.

"Nah, it's okay, it's Cartman's...um... lunch money I borrowed from him yesterday." Stan raised an eyebrow, as Kyle had brought his own Kosher lunch yesterday. Figuring it was something personal and that his best friend was lying, he nodded. "'Kay. Anyway, what were you saying Wendy?"

Cartman got up, grabbing one of his many cookies from his tray and followed Kyle out the cafeteria. "Okay, Jew-boy, what did you want me out of there for?" He chomped on his cookie, causing crumbs to fall out of his mouth and Kyle to crinkle his nose in plain disgust.

"You were gonna fuckin' explode in there! We'd both get caught." Cartman rolled his eyes. "I have self-control, you know."

Kyle stared at him for a minute.

"Yeah....sure you do." He tried to convince himself it. "Anyway; I have a great plan that'll get me and Stan together and you and Wendy together!"

"We'll pretend to date each other!"

**NO,** this is not turning into an CartmanxKyle, so it's not gonna end up like that. It's just a small part of the plan.


	3. Kiss in Disgust

Sorry for not updating in awhile; I've had looots of homework for school.

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park, never will...blahblahblah.

Cartman had thought Kyle was supposed to be a smart person.

And right now, he wasn't so sure. "You're fucking shitting me, right?" he asked, eyes widened with interest.

"No asswipe, I'm not. Think about it, it'll make them jealous."

Cartman groaned. "But I'm not a fag! You are! Sure, Wendy'll want to date me then, if she thinks I'm gay!" His voice was full of sarcasm, but he looked like he was going a little hysterical.

"Fine that, fatass. I'll go get Wendy to date someone else...like Craig or something..." he smirked, then walked off.

Cartman looked like a sad little fat puppy dog. "Kahhhhlll....Kahlllll...come back Kahlll.." he whimpered, waddling off down the halls to wherever Kyle went.

He assumed he went back to lunch, so he followed him there. He saw Kyle leaning over the table, whispering something in Craig's ear. Kyle turned to see Cartman, once again smirked, then went back to talking to Craig.

Kyle got up, with Craig following him, and they walked off into the corner of the cafeteria. "Do you like Wendy?" he asked abruptly. Craig looked over at Wendy, then back to Kyle, then to Stan, then to Wendy, then Stan, then back to Kyle again.

"I'm not tellin' you, Kyle. You're Marsh's best friend." Kyle sighed and rolled his eyes. "Just freakin' tell me, Craig. 'Cuz I don't want them to date."

Craig didn't need to be told anymore. He dropped his jaw, "You're gay?" Kyle just nodded, his eyes looking up toward the ceiling. "So, do you like her?!" he asked once again.

Cartman ran up and pushed Craig away, knocking him to the ground. "Fuck off, Craig!" he yelled, causing the whole cafeteria to once again glare at him. "Go back to what you were fucking doing!" he yelled, flipping the school the bird. They turned around, murmuring stuff under their breaths.

"Okay Jewrat, I'll do it."

And Cartman placed a kiss on Kyle's lips.

He tried really hard not to vomit or wrinkle his nose in disgust.

The whole grade turned, in complete shock. Kyle put his arms around Cartman's shoulder, and Stan raised an eyebrow. He got up, walking towards them. "Dude. You and fatass?" Kyle nodded. "Okay..." He turned around, going back to Wendy.

Cartman whispered in Kyle's ear, "I swear to Gawd, Kyle, if this doesn't work, I'm sending your sorry ass to wherever Jew's come from."

Short chapter, but I really didn't want to go past that.


	4. Confrontation with Wendy

_Sorry for taking so long to write a new chapter, and I couldn't really think of what to do, but then this got in my head._

_Disclaimer: Don't own South Park, never will._

Kyle and Cartman had released holding hands when the bell rang. Scowling at each other silently, they walked their different ways to their lockers, grabbing out their books for the next class.

When the day was finally over, Cartman packed his bags, when Kyle came over.

"Dude, go brag about me to Wendy, it'll make her jealous." He pointed to Wendy who was getting a sip of water at the fountain.

"Oh gawwwd." Cartman moaned, slamming his locker shut and going towards her. "Hey, ho." he greeted, causing her to lift up her head. "Oh, hey Eric."

"Sooo....did you hear how I'm dating the..." he gulped, biting his lip. "Hottest Jew ever?" his voice went squeaky and whiny.

"Yeah, that's great Cartman, I know about it." She walked away from him, and he grabbed her shoulders. "Let go of me, fatass!" She pulled herself away, powerwalking as far away from Cartman as possible.

"Dammit!" he yelled, walking back over to Kyle who immediately stopped his giggling. "Fuck you!"

Cartman gave him the finger, saying that he broke up with him and his little plan was gay, and stormed off.

Stan walked up to him, raising an eyebrow. "Plan?"

Kyle just walked away, ignoring Stan.

_oh my god short, i couldn't think of anything to write! dont worry, a new plan'll come into my head!_

_please r&r._


	5. Comatose Patient

_Disclaimer: Don't own South Park._

Cartman was sitting at home alone on his bed. He had no idea how he was gonna get Wendy to date him. And even though he didn't care about Kyle, if Kyle didn't date Stan, then there was absolutely no chance for Cartman to date Wendy.

He heard the garage door open, and then the front door. He figured it was his mom, so he went downstairs to ask when she was making dinner.

Cartman saw a man with a gun in his hand, searching through drawers in the kitchen for money or anything valuable. Cartman tried to keep silent, but he accidently made a small gasp noise, which caused the man to turn, point the gun and shoot.

He dodged the bullet, running upstairs. Cartman ran into his room, grabbing his cell phone and barracading himself into the bedroom.

Locking his door, he flipped open the phone and dialed 9-11. A woman answered.

"9-11, what's your emergency?" Cartman panicked, and whimpered, "Help! There's a guy in my house with a gun and he tried to shoot me!"

The woman responded, "Kid, is this a joke?"

The door then began being pounded on, and then he heard bullets being shot into the hinges. "Please! He's trying to get into my room! Get your bitch ass out of your freakin' head and get some deputies out here! It's 215 Bonanz-"

The door broke open, and the man pointed his gun, and all Cartman remembered was a BANG! and blacking out.

The next morning, Cartman found himself waking up in a hospital, but he struggled to keep his eyes open. Then he realized he was standing up, and staring at his own self, who was sleeping in the white bed.

In the room was Liane, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and...Wendy?

The doctor came in, sighing. Liane moved over slightly to listen to what he had to say.

"I'm sorry...but Eric's in a coma." Wendy looked like she was gonna cry.

"When will he wake up?" asked Liane, but she didn't look the slightest bit sad. "He may _never_ wake up. All we can hope is that he will, and monitor his behavior. But, it is sometimes known that similar things that are from the comatose patient's memory can contribute to comatose patients waking up."

Liane nodded, and then just walked out of the room. The kids raised an eyebrow. "That's a nice mom." said Wendy.

Cartman felt himself fading away. "Hu-huh?" he questioned, realizing that in a matter of seconds, his form would fade completely away.

He tried to yell out. "STAAN! KYYYLE!" No use. "WENDDDY!" Still no response. "KENNNY!" this caused the boy to turn around.

"Did you hear that?" he mumbled.

"Hear what, Kenny?" asked Kyle. "Cartman. I swore I just heard his voice."

And Cartman faded away, and the heart monitor flattened out with a long, piercing beep.


End file.
